Isn’t it funny how one of the hardest things to admit is that we are broken…God will heal the broken…
Psalm 34:17-19 (KJV)
17 The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.
Adults, at least those I know, find it difficult to admit to weakness. Yet that is the very thing that brings us to our Heavenly Father. We must all admit that we are weak and sinful. We need him to save us from ourselves…
When we discuss sin it is so often an argument. In general we do not want to admit that we are a sinful people. Yet if we were without sin we would be perfect. We all must strive to remove ourselves from temptation and remove ourselves from sin but we must also admit that we are sinners.
In The Beginning
God Will Heal The Broken
My story of being broken or to put it another way the path that brought me to my knees before God is a long and involved one. I am sure that there are many, many stories just like my story and many that are worse. But that did not minimize the lengthy personal struggle for me. I can only share my experience in any meaningful way because that is the struggle that I know best. I hope that it will help you understand that you are not alone…
The Anger In A Child
Suffice it to say that I was very angry from childhood. I developed an early feeling of being unloved by my parents and alone. I went through a lot as a young child beginning with a parents nervous breakdown, and the condition ultimately caused the break up of my parents. The fighting devastating me as young as the sixth grade, the separation in the seventh grade and the divorce and custody battle by the eighth grade.
The year after the separation with the exposure to the emotional illness of the parent caused a lot of darkness and anger. Feelings of abandonment, rage and loneliness. Fear of loss and responsibility for a younger sibling. Without a true foundation of church to lean on at that time. In addition, there was a limited maturity at such a young age coupled with an unhealthy internalization of all that rage.
Battling Parents
That battle between my parents was an ugly one with both sides of the family pitted against the opposite spouse. I withstood all the parent bashing. Resentment between the parties building an emotional wall around me that grew higher and higher as time went on.
My mother broke apart in her pain. My father took on a younger woman who was about ten years older than me. I hated her. I tortured her emotionally as if it were all her fault. It only made the situation worse since she too was so young.
Soon additional emotional rivalries were ongoing. The wall was becoming harder and harder to penetrate.
I will give my father credit that when he was given the ultimatum, girlfriend or his children he chose me. Many fathers have not.
But though he tried, too much damage had occurred. Working all the time, he soon realized that emotionally more was needed than he could provide. We asked to go to Grandma and he let us go. Then he was off to Saudi Arabia on a military contract and was far far away.
Alone in a Crowd
Have you ever stood in a crowded room but could not hear the noise around you. You looked at the people but they were just fuzzy figures with their mouths moving. Like your thoughts are the reality and the outside world is somehow muted. That was the way it felt when you were a child standing alone…And fear becomes rage. You have been broken.
An Enemy Stronghold
I am not sure if it is in this way all people fall prey to the enemy. I think this was how he initially got a stronghold with me. Grandma let us try to reconnect with mother. As she was recovering slowly. Mother was fascinated with the occult and had stories of her grand gypsy heritage. She told us about the fortune tellers and spells that had power. She had books and stories to intrigue the mind. Though it was all part of the darkness in her illness filled with lies, I knew in my head not to trust. But it seemed to give me a tool to protect myself.
The Child Finds A Weapon
The child who had been helpless and alone now had a weapon to wield against those who would mean her harm. Innocent enough in theory but oh so dangerous in application. The darkness of the occult.
The child would learn many things and feel strong. The thing about Pandoras box is that once you open it and release its darkness there is no method to put it all back in once you learn the truth.
I am sure it is no coincidence that the child was also being introduced and influenced by a shining light. Grandma’s regular trips to Sunday School and Church. And the light shown through the darkness too but the confusion for the child was too great. The child could not understand the safety and power of God. It was not introduced in the same way. The child was broken.
Dark Spirit Controls
God Will Heal The Broken
Pursued By Darkness
I think that I was pursued by the enemy from that time forward. He was slowly breaking off pieces of me and trampling them, crushing them and burning them. I was growing up. It is easier to give these analogies rather than examples of all the things I did or experienced that affected me in such negative ways. Most of us have experienced them in one way or another in our lives. Substance abuse, physical abuse, depression etc.
So my life consisted of remaining alone. I worked, I went to the clubs, I had relationships with the opposite sex that were brief and ended. I could never trust, I could never let that wall come down. It remained high and strong. I would not feel. The decades were passing.
Every year in October it was like a dark cloud descended on me and everything around me lost its luster. I fought to keep going through the motions. The rage again and again. I looked at the others and saw people who spent time with their families. People who had mothers who talked to them regularly, a place they could go to if they were in need. Fathers who cared who they were dating and maybe they had dinner with them on the weekends. I stayed so angry, wondering if my parents even knew who I was or even cared…Such an anger as the Rage was refueled year after year, still broken.
The Blackness Surrounds
I was told once on a visit by my Aunt, my mothers sister that there was a hardness when you looked into my eyes, that she saw a blackness around me. She asked me if I was alright. Alright?! As I smiled and told her I was fine the voice inside was screaming in rage. A silent scream inside my head. It would do no good at all to admit the truth. They never really cared if I was alright. Just like the child reaching for their hand. They would pretend but they always pulled that hand away. They would leave me standing alone. I would not give them the opportunity again. So I was always fine. No longer a child, they could not hurt me now.
Rage Taking Hold
This rage was slowly becoming an enemy stronghold. One bad decision after another. Causing me more pain. Causing more destruction. But there was always this ray of light that would break through. Just when it seemed that I had fallen. When I had to reach up to touch the ground, a hand would always come out of the darkness. Something would take hold of me. It would pull me back up into the light. At that time I did not understand what it really was, though I know now.
I reached my absolute breaking point, literally. I began climbing back up to sanity.
A Hand In the Darkness
God Will Heal the Broken
Finally Prayer Begins
It was then I began to try to pray. God will heal the broken. I had always admired my Grandparents devotion to religion. I had always admired the Catholic church and the way they revered God and Heaven. Everything was so pretty I felt they showed a respect I did not see in other church’s because everything was so formal. All the chanting and the Latin Mass. My Catholic grandmother had walked to mass every day. This seemed like a real commitment.
Though she did not include me much in my childhood. Except on the occasional Sunday when I was visiting her. I wanted to learn the prayers that they chanted. To begin studying them I wrote them down so that when I felt weak I could chant them. There was something very calming about praying the rosary prayers. Not officially but… I learned the prayers and would say them over and over when I felt anxiety. Or when I wanted encouragement. It helped me. But I was still broken.
Baby Steps
It had begun with baby steps. I was trying to reach a place where prayer was part of my routine every night before I went to sleep. Though I did not yet know how to pray, I felt something pulling me. Like a weak magnet at first. But the more I moved in that direction the stronger the magnetic force was becoming. I was alternating my chanting Catholic prayers, with the Lords Prayer by itself , with the 23rd Psalm. All the words were never right and in order with the 23rd Psalm. I always messed up something. But clearly the Lord did not care because he was pulling me toward him. God will heal the broken.
Feelings of Guilt
I started to feel guilt when I was contemplating a decision that I knew was against what the Bible would teach. I had always made jokes about going to church. But suddenly when a friend was hurting I suggested it. I offered to go with them. Very slowly and over a long period of time I was being pulled into a new direction. I was reaching for a silent hand that was reaching out for me. For the first time in my life it felt like I was wanted, really wanted. Is it possible I really belonged. It was not the Christian fellowship they still do not really accept my differences from the mainstream. It was the Divine who wanted me, who truly reached for me.
Study of Scripture
I started listening to the Bible on tape in the car on my way to work and on my way home. Listening to the new testament the teachings of God the Son, over and over again. Trying to understand concepts that were new and foreign to my way of thinking. I started to understand the practical application to our daily lives. It was becoming exciting and I was energized “on fire” by what I had learned. It was important, I wanted to share that with others. I started to comment when I thought there was something that would apply or benefit a conversation, not always a welcomed topic. But I have never been very shy and lets face reality I never really cared what they thought, a characteristic that had to change if I wanted to be effective in sharing. Though I will admit this is still a weakness…
Going to Church
I started attending Church, slowly at first but I became excited about the new trend for contemporary Christian music. The worship in Church had changed and I began to live for, look forward to, the next week when I could go to Church and sing to the Lord. The Holy Spirit would come and It was like a warmth would wash over me and I felt the darkness melt away. I was safe and I was no longer alone. There was a special couple who were running the music department in my Church at that time I realized it when they moved away because it was never the same once they were gone. But nothing is a coincidence so I have to be thankful that I was drawn to this place at just the right time. That this influence was one step closer to my healing.
Stepping Into The Light
God Will Heal The Broken
Reaching for God
And the magnet kept getting stronger and stronger. I was going through the trials of my life, I had some health problems again and I was sometimes afraid but I would reach for God and somehow I was never alone. I would cry out in my anxieties and my fears and there would be a calm and a peace. And though I was broken when I reached out for God he was always there reaching back for me.
Slowly over time the broken pieces of who I am began to come together again…God will heal the broken…
The Anger Fades Away
You will find that with the Love of God the anger begins to fade, that with the Love of God the deep seeded pain begins to drift away slowly and you begin to become whole again. When the healing begins to take place there is a transformation. Suddenly, you begin to feel again, that hardness, the wall erected for protection comes down piece by piece. Do not misunderstand, it is very subtle. Before you know it, you do not really notice as it happens but suddenly you are laughing and crying again. The world around you that was so muted and hazy before gains clarity. Imagine to feel again after so long…
Finding What Works
Now, will I say that I fit completely in to the Church culture? No, I can not honestly say that I have. Because I never re-entered Sunday School or Life Groups as they call it now, I tried a Bible study on a weeknight. When I did not feel a part of them I stopped going. These are my personal weaknesses that I share with you but that does not mean that for you these things will be the same.
I have found great peace in some of the TV evangelists like Joyce Meyers or Robert Morris. When God reaches out grab hold of everything, hold on tight and find what he has to offer you. It is a wonderful journey into his arms. It is a wonderful path to service in his name. We are all unique individuals with unique gifts and needs. Hand over the reins to God and let him guide the path because you are no longer alone.
Never Alone
I have messed up lots of times but he does not abandon me, he lets me know that I am never alone. Even now I am not really good with people unless I am “being good with people”. What I mean by that is that as a coping mechanism in my life I learned to play a role, to be what was expected of me. I can smile, I can say all the right things, I can react as though I really care about what I should, I can be normal in every sense when in fact my reality is much different.
However, even now if you take away the role I play and leave me to my reality I do not really do well with people. Again, this is one of my weaknesses that I share with you. It is hard to put yourself out there and reveal the vulnerabilities, but if it will help you find the way I will. God will heal the broken.
Walking The Path
God Will Heal The Broken
Worship and Praise
I have learned to pray and I do so every day. I wake up in the morning and I talk to God, I praise him, I thank him, I ask for forgiveness for my sin, I ask him to help me, I ask him to help others find their way to him, I ask him to help others find the peace he has given to me. Sometimes I ask him to help our Country or to help a specific person or group. There is an intimacy in prayer that keeps us close together and reminds me that I am not alone. Now even in those occasional times the outside world starts to be muted or hazy when I am moving inside my head I am not alone. As I start to retreat into the shadow there is someone standing there with the light and I am no longer afraid.
Understanding Faith and Truth
Understand that this relationship is a lifelong process. I understand that my journey has begun but is far from over. My sin and my weaknesses are a constant struggle to overcome, this struggle will continue throughout my lifetime. There are always my battles with the enemy and my weapon in the scripture but when I am distracted for even a moment I can stumble. I don’t know if it is like that for everyone or just for me but I know to try and pay attention.
I have some confusion even now with the mainstream Christian teaching as so much becomes contradictory, so I trust in my prayer and my instincts when I ask for understanding. So I will sometimes be wrong, I will sometimes struggle with how I should behave or what I should say when questioned. But I will never struggle with my faith because I know what the truth is and I know that God is real.
No Greater Love
I hope that what I have shared with you will somehow help you understand this gift that has been given to us. God sent his Son to die on the cross to pay for the sin of mankind. There is no greater love than that. Because of this sacrifice God the Father can now look upon us without sin, he can be with us in a way he could not before the price for sin was paid. God is a Holy Trinity which consists of God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit. God the Son is like a filter between Man and God the Father. The Holy Spirit is a teacher who gives us the understanding that we seek or sometimes even if we don’t seek…
All that is required of us is that we believe that God the Son died on the cross for our sins, that we repent of our sin and ask for forgiveness and really mean it. God will come to us in his Grace and God will heal the broken…
For the Love of God,
Sparks
